I was on a blogging run for a bit. Now I am just too tired to have anything inspiring or great to write. I had the best nights sleep at the beginning of the week. I woke up so rested. That NEVER happens. Last night my sleep was its normal awful self. I was up at 3:33 off and on until 5. I went through my mental prayer list and then some. I was holding my daughter for a bit and we both started to fall asleep. My meds are so crazy that I should really sleep well. NOPE! Any advice? My husband says too much coffee. I say no because my last cup is at 2pm.
So sorry for the quiet. Its not like I have lots of readers but the little bit I do have I would like to keep. If you just read this long boring post shoot me a comment please.
Smooches to an extra long weekend over here!
Thursday, August 29, 2019
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Disability
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Funeral
Because I didn't get the greatest results from my MRI I began to think about death a lot and plan my funeral. Yep I went there.
Here you go...
My former pastor will do the celebration of life.
*There will be Prosecco for a toast made by my husband.
*I want a praise and worship time and the plan of salvation preached.
THEN I want an open mike. If you want to tell a story or talk kindly about me you can. OR the teacher in me wants paper so you can write a note down to be taped onto the wall.
*I want everyone to get a little glitter to take home and remember or to put on my casket.
*I want to be cremated.
*BALLOONS!!! On the balloon you can put a wish or note on it so when you let it go it makes its way to me. We know it doesn't work that way but its fun to think about it.
*Oh I just had a thought, there should be a time where you can turn to your nearest neighbor and introduce yourself and how you knew me.
I started to tell my husband all of this and he said to stop. Then I went to my doctors appointment. She said my 3 D's were all NOs... No drinking, No driving, No dying. Yep I made those up. Now my husband told me to plan my celebration party for when chemo is finished. I'm thinking it will have a touch of all of these things. Get ready. I will put an invite up here. Not like anyone is reading. I don't want the world to know about this space. Same with Twitter which I just started back up. I need somewhere to brain dump and it can't be facebook. Too many people who don't get to be part of this information. It would freak them out. Like my mouther in law.
2 posts in a day. Same with Twitter. Its a great day minus the bad sleep. My stupid dog who ate a half a package of ramen.
Leave a comment on your thoughts. If you think I'm crazy keep it too yourself. I already know it.
SMOOCHES!!!
Here you go...
My former pastor will do the celebration of life.
*There will be Prosecco for a toast made by my husband.
*I want a praise and worship time and the plan of salvation preached.
THEN I want an open mike. If you want to tell a story or talk kindly about me you can. OR the teacher in me wants paper so you can write a note down to be taped onto the wall.
*I want everyone to get a little glitter to take home and remember or to put on my casket.
*I want to be cremated.
*BALLOONS!!! On the balloon you can put a wish or note on it so when you let it go it makes its way to me. We know it doesn't work that way but its fun to think about it.
*Oh I just had a thought, there should be a time where you can turn to your nearest neighbor and introduce yourself and how you knew me.
I started to tell my husband all of this and he said to stop. Then I went to my doctors appointment. She said my 3 D's were all NOs... No drinking, No driving, No dying. Yep I made those up. Now my husband told me to plan my celebration party for when chemo is finished. I'm thinking it will have a touch of all of these things. Get ready. I will put an invite up here. Not like anyone is reading. I don't want the world to know about this space. Same with Twitter which I just started back up. I need somewhere to brain dump and it can't be facebook. Too many people who don't get to be part of this information. It would freak them out. Like my mouther in law.
2 posts in a day. Same with Twitter. Its a great day minus the bad sleep. My stupid dog who ate a half a package of ramen.
Leave a comment on your thoughts. If you think I'm crazy keep it too yourself. I already know it.
SMOOCHES!!!
My Cancer Journey Wishes
I can't think of a title maybe it will come to me soon. I was tweeting and of course went past number of words... I deleted half of my message. I realized I got rid of most of it. It really should have been a blog.
Today is brought to you by Ensure and 3 granola bars. Oh wait I did eat an apple. On chemo this week and it took my food desire. If only I could replace it with drinks. That desire hasn't left and never does. Wine sounds amazing. Rum and Coke is always good if made right. I could even throw back some tequila. Oh well. Instead I eat yuck stuff. I'm too lazy to make food. My smeller HATES all smells. I would rather not run for an anti nausea pill or Xanax. Water is my best friend. I could do some Paul Newman lemonade. Oh wait its time for coffee number 4/5. I can't keep up. Its terrible and doesn't even smell good anymore. Its like the granola bars. It all tastes and smells like an onion butt. I've tasted butt but this is what I imagine it to taste like. If you are a local reader you will know of Sweetwater. Thats the only food I want. The filet tips. SO SO SO good.
I'm ready for this to be finished. I have one more night of chemo. Its night bad but I have to eat super early so I'm not up super late. Then the countdown begins. I eat then count until ani nausea pill then count until chemo then more counting. Next are my nighttime pills and a late night snack. AND on a super awesome note, if after my next MRI things have stayed the same or improved I will just have one more set of chemo. I have been on it too long. My body needs a break. My white blood count is starting to be effected.
Thanks for listening to my whining. SMOOCHES!
Things I miss... Patience, my smeller, wine, Energy, being able to drive, no more worry for all.
Today is brought to you by Ensure and 3 granola bars. Oh wait I did eat an apple. On chemo this week and it took my food desire. If only I could replace it with drinks. That desire hasn't left and never does. Wine sounds amazing. Rum and Coke is always good if made right. I could even throw back some tequila. Oh well. Instead I eat yuck stuff. I'm too lazy to make food. My smeller HATES all smells. I would rather not run for an anti nausea pill or Xanax. Water is my best friend. I could do some Paul Newman lemonade. Oh wait its time for coffee number 4/5. I can't keep up. Its terrible and doesn't even smell good anymore. Its like the granola bars. It all tastes and smells like an onion butt. I've tasted butt but this is what I imagine it to taste like. If you are a local reader you will know of Sweetwater. Thats the only food I want. The filet tips. SO SO SO good.
I'm ready for this to be finished. I have one more night of chemo. Its night bad but I have to eat super early so I'm not up super late. Then the countdown begins. I eat then count until ani nausea pill then count until chemo then more counting. Next are my nighttime pills and a late night snack. AND on a super awesome note, if after my next MRI things have stayed the same or improved I will just have one more set of chemo. I have been on it too long. My body needs a break. My white blood count is starting to be effected.
Thanks for listening to my whining. SMOOCHES!
Things I miss... Patience, my smeller, wine, Energy, being able to drive, no more worry for all.
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Blue Days
I'm in a funk. I don't do or look good in the color blue well. I'm always sunny and I know is normal to not always be. I am blessed to be taken care of by so many. No driving. I have to ask for rides. People always jump to help but I want to be in charge. Just driving a mile would be lovely. If I need something from the store I would like to go. NOPE! I would like to open a bottle of wine. Yes I drink here and there but with permission. My beach trip is coming up and it won't be normal. My sweet niece came and lived with us for a good month. She cleaned, did laundry and cooked. She was also my driver. I miss her but hated the need for her part. I think the laws will be coming and doing the same at the end of summer. NOPE!!! Its nice but I need my space.
I hate complaining. I also don't do that well. Yesterday I saw my oncologist. I love our time together. I've had a feeling something would come up in my MRI. I've had my little weird seizures. Other things have happened to make me think something was up. YEP she saw a very small spot. The bottom of a pen size. We are going with chemo this week and then checking again next month. She thinks its radiation scar tissue. If it grows then its a new growth and we start a liquid chemo. She said no surgery but...
I'm faking okay. I am believing in healing. Trusting God like never before. I don't want this now or ever. I miss the old times. Where life was easier. I hate how my daughter knows I don't feel good because I take a mint and drink water.
I need a yellow day. They come in little rays but I want so much sun that I have to wear sunglasses. The anxiety that happens to me is death. The worried look on my husband's face breaks my heart. You could cut the tension in my house with a butter knife.
Jesus HELP!!!
No pity friends just prayers.
I hate complaining. I also don't do that well. Yesterday I saw my oncologist. I love our time together. I've had a feeling something would come up in my MRI. I've had my little weird seizures. Other things have happened to make me think something was up. YEP she saw a very small spot. The bottom of a pen size. We are going with chemo this week and then checking again next month. She thinks its radiation scar tissue. If it grows then its a new growth and we start a liquid chemo. She said no surgery but...
I'm faking okay. I am believing in healing. Trusting God like never before. I don't want this now or ever. I miss the old times. Where life was easier. I hate how my daughter knows I don't feel good because I take a mint and drink water.
I need a yellow day. They come in little rays but I want so much sun that I have to wear sunglasses. The anxiety that happens to me is death. The worried look on my husband's face breaks my heart. You could cut the tension in my house with a butter knife.
Jesus HELP!!!
No pity friends just prayers.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Evil Cancer
I had not planned to post about this today. I like to plan my posts in my head. I have one sitting there that hasn't come out yet. I also have one just for Friday. It will be next. This one is festering. My blog is like my journal. I need to share.
This morning was epic. I have been working on my self control and how I react to my kids. Its been a wonderful week and I've been on chemo. My kids were doing their normal morning routine of things. My daughter decided to practice her piano. She won't be home this afternoon so she's trying to get ahead of things. She is so thoughtful that way. But before practicing she was working on her math work on the piano bench. Guess who decided he wanted to practice? Her brother... It went south from there. He got mad at her. She got mad at him. I had to intervene which I'm trying not to do these days. It got bigger. Grace screamed all kinds of hateful things to him. It needed to come out and I was proud of her secretly. His response was uglier and he had to go to his room before I lost it. Lots of tears took place. They were hanging there in my eyes. We are tired.
I held Grace and told her she is secretly worried about me. She denied it but I said it is normal. This is where evil cancer comes in. It touches every part of my life. My kids quietly worry about me. I try really hard to keep it together but its there. The pills are there. The little bit of hair gone to remind us. All the loving people coming around. They know I'm sick. I wish I could put them in a bubble.
My husband is touched the most besides me. He worries openly. He wears it like a second skin. No more silly husband. He's a silly dad but the husband part is gone. He doesn't have anyone to share with but me. He won't because again it's the worry. Worry about my pills, the kids, money, my safety. I try not to think its my fault causing all this anxiety in everyone but I do.
I HATE CANCER.
It has touched me! I don't have my get up and go. I don't do much. Driving got taken away. I'm learning to ask and rely on others. SUPER HARD! My husband has even stepped up to cook because the smells make me sick. My friendships have been touched. I have those who over love. Those who are lost in what to do. Those who are afraid because they've been touched before.
I miss normal life. I miss going out with my friends or sitting on the deck with a drink. Thats gone too. Its been replaced with Xanax. NOT THE SAME!
Cancer is sneaky like a ninja. You think all is fine until it explodes like my kids this morning. I'm waiting on my simple quiet life to return. #cancer #braincancer #evil
Thank you for listening to me. I had to get it all out.
This morning was epic. I have been working on my self control and how I react to my kids. Its been a wonderful week and I've been on chemo. My kids were doing their normal morning routine of things. My daughter decided to practice her piano. She won't be home this afternoon so she's trying to get ahead of things. She is so thoughtful that way. But before practicing she was working on her math work on the piano bench. Guess who decided he wanted to practice? Her brother... It went south from there. He got mad at her. She got mad at him. I had to intervene which I'm trying not to do these days. It got bigger. Grace screamed all kinds of hateful things to him. It needed to come out and I was proud of her secretly. His response was uglier and he had to go to his room before I lost it. Lots of tears took place. They were hanging there in my eyes. We are tired.
I held Grace and told her she is secretly worried about me. She denied it but I said it is normal. This is where evil cancer comes in. It touches every part of my life. My kids quietly worry about me. I try really hard to keep it together but its there. The pills are there. The little bit of hair gone to remind us. All the loving people coming around. They know I'm sick. I wish I could put them in a bubble.
My husband is touched the most besides me. He worries openly. He wears it like a second skin. No more silly husband. He's a silly dad but the husband part is gone. He doesn't have anyone to share with but me. He won't because again it's the worry. Worry about my pills, the kids, money, my safety. I try not to think its my fault causing all this anxiety in everyone but I do.
I HATE CANCER.
It has touched me! I don't have my get up and go. I don't do much. Driving got taken away. I'm learning to ask and rely on others. SUPER HARD! My husband has even stepped up to cook because the smells make me sick. My friendships have been touched. I have those who over love. Those who are lost in what to do. Those who are afraid because they've been touched before.
I miss normal life. I miss going out with my friends or sitting on the deck with a drink. Thats gone too. Its been replaced with Xanax. NOT THE SAME!
Cancer is sneaky like a ninja. You think all is fine until it explodes like my kids this morning. I'm waiting on my simple quiet life to return. #cancer #braincancer #evil
Thank you for listening to me. I had to get it all out.
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