Evil Cancer

I had not planned to post about this today. I like to plan my posts in my head. I have one sitting there that hasn't come out yet. I also have one just for Friday. It will be next. This one is festering. My blog is like my journal. I need to share.

This morning was epic. I have been working on my self control and how I react to my kids. Its been a wonderful week and I've been on chemo. My kids were doing their normal morning routine of things. My daughter decided to practice her piano. She won't be home this afternoon so she's trying to get ahead of things. She is so thoughtful that way. But before practicing she was working on her math work on the piano bench. Guess who decided he wanted to practice? Her brother... It went south from there. He got mad at her. She got mad at him. I had to intervene which I'm trying not to do these days. It got bigger. Grace screamed all kinds of hateful things to him. It needed to come out and I was proud of her secretly. His response was uglier and he had to go to his room before I lost it. Lots of tears took place. They were hanging there in my eyes. We are tired.

I held Grace and told her she is secretly worried about me. She denied it but I said it is normal. This is where evil cancer comes in. It touches every part of my life. My kids quietly worry about me. I try really hard to keep it together but its there. The pills are there. The little bit of hair gone to remind us. All the loving people coming around. They know I'm sick. I wish I could put them in a bubble.

My husband is touched the most besides me. He worries openly. He wears it like a second skin. No more silly husband. He's a silly dad but the husband part is gone. He doesn't have anyone to share with but me. He won't because again it's the worry. Worry about my pills, the kids, money, my safety. I try not to think its my fault causing all this anxiety in everyone but I do.

I HATE CANCER.

It has touched me! I don't have my get up and go. I don't do much. Driving got taken away. I'm learning to ask and rely on others. SUPER HARD! My husband has even stepped up to cook because the smells make me sick. My friendships have been touched. I have those who over love. Those who are lost in what to do. Those who are afraid because they've been touched before.

I miss normal life. I miss going out with my friends or sitting on the deck with a drink. Thats gone too. Its been replaced with Xanax. NOT THE SAME!

Cancer is sneaky like a ninja. You think all is fine until it explodes like my kids this morning. I'm waiting on my simple quiet life to return. #cancer #braincancer #evil
Thank you for listening to me. I had to get it all out.

A bunch of crazy rambling thoughts...

So I'm having just crazy thoughts today. I started my second round of maintenance chemo yesterday. I am blessed and take my chemo in pill form. My sweet oncologist thought she should increase my dose. I was fine when she told me. I haven't ever had a big problem with it before. Things have changed I force food. I'm drinking lots of water.

Last nights dinner was blah. The smells. The slimy noodles. The spices. Thanks Hello Fresh. All that matters is how the family felt about the food. They liked it. They will be eating it again tonight. I will not. I have a friend dropping dinner off. It will be my dinner and tomorrow nights food.

Last night I felt awful. Its such a timed process. I was hungry but couldn't eat. I took anti nausea pill but nope I could have hurled.

My other crazy thought... When I was younger and I wanted to cry I would watch my cry movie. Mine was Dying Young. I LOVED it. I should watch it soon. I never really knew what kind of cancer but I just looked, blood cancer. Anyone else have a sad movie?

Then I ended my morning getting my son out the door talking about his body. He is learning about it in school tomorrow. He read a chapter in a book last night. He HAD to read it last night. I asked if they talked about ejaculations and nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). He said yes to all of above with a giggle. He told me he has had a wet dream. NOPE it was a sweaty night. LOL

So if one of us dies today this was our last conversation.

I will be back later with my God moment Friday. I still have a post I'm thinking about for Caregivers. Right now I'm falling asleep while typing. I'm nuts. :)

#cancer
#braincancer
#crazythoughts

Cancer and being a Mama

I haven't been able to blog. My head hasn't been clear. I find myself napping or desiring to nap. I'm weird with writing. It has to be the right time and space. I believe this morning is it. I'm blogging on something totally different than planned. I might get to the others later today.

Being a mom is way harder than I ever thought it would be. It was my dream, I swear, since I was born if that's possible.  When my husband, Grumps and I couldn't just easily have children my heart broke. We tried like crazy. Finally our last IVF treatment with 4 embryos took. Not 4 babies but 2 amazing ones, girl and a boy. This entire process was super hard on us and our marriage.

Now being a mom, sometimes I feel like a failure. I don't remember. I don't want to. I get angry. With cancer it is even worse. I super care about my kids but meeting their needs is even harder. I am so thankful for a wonderful husband who understands and friends who step in and help.

As a cancer mom... You deal with guilt, frustrations, tears, tiredness, memory, questioning what I do to make sure I remember and do them right. Thank God for phone calendars. Its my brain. I should give it a name. If I lost it my world would crash.

This post isn't making sense... stupid cancer. It sounded so good in my head this morning as I was trying to help my kids after they said they had a test this morning. I wanted to cry. Any other moms dealing with all of this? I keep saying I want a vacation alone or with a couple of friends. No responsibilities. My husband keeps sending people here to help which is nice but I feel the need to entertain. I can't help myself.

Up next... being a caregiver for a cancer patient, and God moments. Please comment so I know you are there.

Smooches friends!!!

#braincancer #cancer #momguilt

Jeremy Camp - Same Power (Lyric Video)

Thank you Christine Mills for this encouragement! I needed the affirmation! Love you precious!

Why?

I usually don't ask God why is this happening to me. I'm always praying for God to use me to help others. I'm tired of helping. Why me! Thank you Pastor Lucas for a great sermon on this.
https://subsplash.com/expectation/media/mi/+nk5st64#message#doubt 
Check it out here.

Heres a little check up on me. Its been awhile since I have been on here. I have more to share this week. Need to play catch up. I'm doing chemo for 6 months. When I first heard this I wanted to cry. It's not as bad as it sounds. Looking for a highlight... I'm on a week and off three weeks. So really its 6 weeks of chemo spread out. I go to the oncologist all the time but I love my doctors. I will also be having more MRIs. I also don't mind those. I either pray for my cancer people I meet or take a nap. 

I'm tired all the time. I need quiet time and a nap everyday. I'm also super nauseous. It hits out of no wear. Have to get the protein in me. Nuts nuts and more nuts. Protein bars. I would love someone to eat for me. I have do too much I'm in bed hard. Praise God I don't have a job. 

Pity parties. I hate them. I'm learning you don't have to be happy all the time. Working on self control. I loose it fast with my family. Words hurt me. 

Thank you so much for your prayers. Thank you for all my little happies. My hats, jewelry, healthy things, your words, lunch and food. I know I am loved. I don't wish this on anyone. 

This morning I was so encouraged by one of the biggest overcomes I know, Christine Mills. AMAZING!

Heres a preview for Fridays. I want to make them God moment Friday. This is where you share the God moment you had this week. It could be a simple moment where someone gave you something like jeans from the cashier at the grocery store. They didn't fit but it was the act of kindness. I look for moments where I can talk about Jesus. It's crazy how God gives them to me. Look for your moment to share on Friday. I expect comments. Share my blog to others. 

I will be sharing about caregivers later... 

Smooches! 

This moved me this morning!

The Race for Hope

If you live locally I would love to invite you to Sunny with a chance of group to walk with us and celebrate life afterwards. We have been doing this for years and it is so much fun. It is always the first Sunday of May. This year it is May 5th, Cinco de Mayo!  The registration money goes towards brain cancer research to find a cure. You can also make a donation if you can't do the race. We walk the race. Theres also a kids race at the very end if you can get there fast enough. We never can. I try and want to take it all in. Now my life is a little slower. We will plan a place to meet to pass out shirts and numbers and a place to meet at the end. All are welcome to join us!

http://www.braintumorcommunity.org

To join in on the fun got to this site and to join a team. My team is Sunny with a Chance of.

#Raceforhope #braincancer #cancer #joinmyteam #notcomputersmart