Evil Cancer

I had not planned to post about this today. I like to plan my posts in my head. I have one sitting there that hasn't come out yet. I also have one just for Friday. It will be next. This one is festering. My blog is like my journal. I need to share.

This morning was epic. I have been working on my self control and how I react to my kids. Its been a wonderful week and I've been on chemo. My kids were doing their normal morning routine of things. My daughter decided to practice her piano. She won't be home this afternoon so she's trying to get ahead of things. She is so thoughtful that way. But before practicing she was working on her math work on the piano bench. Guess who decided he wanted to practice? Her brother... It went south from there. He got mad at her. She got mad at him. I had to intervene which I'm trying not to do these days. It got bigger. Grace screamed all kinds of hateful things to him. It needed to come out and I was proud of her secretly. His response was uglier and he had to go to his room before I lost it. Lots of tears took place. They were hanging there in my eyes. We are tired.

I held Grace and told her she is secretly worried about me. She denied it but I said it is normal. This is where evil cancer comes in. It touches every part of my life. My kids quietly worry about me. I try really hard to keep it together but its there. The pills are there. The little bit of hair gone to remind us. All the loving people coming around. They know I'm sick. I wish I could put them in a bubble.

My husband is touched the most besides me. He worries openly. He wears it like a second skin. No more silly husband. He's a silly dad but the husband part is gone. He doesn't have anyone to share with but me. He won't because again it's the worry. Worry about my pills, the kids, money, my safety. I try not to think its my fault causing all this anxiety in everyone but I do.

I HATE CANCER.

It has touched me! I don't have my get up and go. I don't do much. Driving got taken away. I'm learning to ask and rely on others. SUPER HARD! My husband has even stepped up to cook because the smells make me sick. My friendships have been touched. I have those who over love. Those who are lost in what to do. Those who are afraid because they've been touched before.

I miss normal life. I miss going out with my friends or sitting on the deck with a drink. Thats gone too. Its been replaced with Xanax. NOT THE SAME!

Cancer is sneaky like a ninja. You think all is fine until it explodes like my kids this morning. I'm waiting on my simple quiet life to return. #cancer #braincancer #evil
Thank you for listening to me. I had to get it all out.